Bill Petro

HISTORY OF FATHERS DAY

The celebration of Father’s Day goes back all the way to the beginning, actually to the Garden of Eden when Abel gave his father Adam a razor while his brother Cain gave his father a snake-skin tie. This was the beginning of Cain’s downward slide.

Scholars have debated for ages why Mother’s Day seems to be more honored than Father’s Day. A parallel has been drawn between this phenomenon and that of the difference in popularity between the Irish patron saint and the Italian patron saint. The noted scholar, Father Guido Sarducci, papal legate and gossip columnist for the Vatican has pointed out that for St. Patrick’s Day, we have lots of festivities, lots of green, celebrations and major parades. But for St. Joseph, a very good saint, there is nothing. The only thing he is known for is children’s aspirin. Dr. Les Capable of Stanford University confirmed this research by saying “Ditto”. Professor Illinois Smith, of the Department of Redundancy Department at the University of California, Berkeley in Berkeley, California said much the same thing by repeating the same thing over and over again many times in a redundant and repetitive fashion.

The holiday was first canonized by Pope Hallmark in 1582 in the Papal Bull entitled Quando Ipso Facto Volare FTD Que Sera Sera which translated means “When you care enough to send the very best”. This was confirmed years later in the United States when one of the founding matriarchs, Ma Bell ordained and established both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day in an attempt to help bolster the fledgling nation’s telecommunication coffers. It is well known that Mother’s Day generally posts the highest volume of long-distance telephone calls of any single day of the year. It is not as well known that Father’s Day posts the highest volume of long-distance collect calls.

Everyone has had a father, but not everyone can be a father, especially if you are a woman. But there are few challenges in the world that are more rewarding than being a father. It is a special joy and a great honor.

It is noteworthy, as we celebrate Father’s Day, that the Bible refers to the Almighty as Father.

Happy Father’s Day!

Children’s children are the crown of old men;
and the glory of children are their fathers

Proverbs 17:6

Bill Petro, your friendly neighborhood historian
www.billpetro.com

EARTH DAY

April 22 is called Earth Day because it both commemorates and celebrates the observance of the anniversary of our discovery of planet Earth. At this time, by all accounts, there is general agreement that Earth is far superior to the place from which we came, as we shall see below.

Recently, however, there has been increased concern regarding our displacement of the original aboriginal inhabitants, as is often the case with more “enlightened” conquerors, as we like to think of ourselves.

The indigenous population, a kind of Eukaryota or more specifically Archaeplastida, is known in the vernacular as plants. You cannot have missed the increased coverage in the media on all things “green.” Of course, the Irish were the first to capitalize on this theme, but now everyone seems to have jumped on the bandwagon, with everything from green vehicles to green computing.

Even Google is gaining ground in going green, while garnering gajillions of Gmail guests giddy with great gobs of gleefully garnered gigabytes of storage.

Increased recognition of this under-represented earlier population of our planet, sometimes persecuted almost to the point of extinction — when was the last time you saw a chocolate bush — has brought greater attention to rampant plantocide: witness for example that in Kansas whole fields of wheat continue to be slaughtered.

Hence, this year there is special attention paid to underprivileged plants, with the motto:

“Take A Plant To Lunch…But Don’t Eat It.”

Instead, responsible Earth people might consider an alternative. One could chose instead animals, which already have the good sense to be made of meat. And they are higher in protein, like chocolate, one of the other four food groups.

So, in celebration, let’s respect our plant brethren. They’re often at least as intelligent as some people you know: have you ever noticed how a sunflower tracks the movement of the sun? Think about it. They’re also quiet and, while generally not good conversationalists, are better behaved than many human children.

Of course, this is with the exception of fungi, the so-called “trailer trash” of the plant kingdom, which have been disowned for phylogenic reasons, not to mention their being “photosynthetically challenged.” Some of these heterotrophs have, through remedial education, found a home in breweries and Italian cuisine.

Nevertheless, plants, as you’ll recall, are one of the reasons we came to Earth. Some of the other reasons include:

• Location: it’s right here. Look just below your feet.
• Memorable: it’s shaped like the new AT&T logo
• Spherical: which makes it convenient for those “round the world” trips and has a much more pleasing shape than where we came from. Did you ever wonder why we called the previous generation “squares”?
• Great restaurants: and great atmosphere, unlike, for example the Moon which has great restaurants but no atmosphere.
• Oxygen-Nitrogen atmosphere: so crucial for those of us who breathe, and better than methane in so many ways.
• Gravity: which is set at a convenient one “g” is quite handy for keeping everything in its place.
• Neighbors: generally far enough away that they don’t bother us much, and those who do are generally more intelligent than average, needing to understand things like calculus, tachyons, and three-phase cyclotronic nuclear-fissionable uranium isotope molecular reconstructors for trans-dimensional physics.

I don’t know about you, but I’m planning on spending the rest of my life right here on Earth.

Bill Petro, your friendly neighborhood Earthling
www.billpetro.com