Coronal Mass Ejection: Existential Threat from Methanogenic Cattle

cme copy

Coronal Mass Ejection from our Sun, with Earth to scale. (Not actual size)

CORONAL MASS EJECTION AND METHANOGENIC CATTLE

Coronal Mass Ejections (CME) are plasma and magnetic field explosions from the Sun’s corona. When aimed at Earth, they trigger geomagnetic storms, affecting infrastructure in near-Earth orbit and on the surface. These storms can disrupt various systems, such as electric power grids, GPS navigation, and Netflix.

Climate scientists have finally recognized an unprecedented existential threat to the Earth, as evidenced by the recent ejection of coronal mass from our Sun, all due to the insidious increase in bovine flatulence. For too long, our climate scientists focused only on climate changes on the Earth; thankfully, they have taken their gaze off the ground and finally turned their eyes to the skies. Our Sun is in trouble. And that means all of us are in trouble.

All too often, the uninformed citizen has been concerned only with carbon dioxide emissions from the tailpipes of their automobiles. But now, the whiff of danger from methane has warned us, almost too late.

In 2019, 590 million tons of methane were released globally. According to the Global Methane Assessment published in 2021, methane emissions from livestock (including cattle) are the largest sources of agricultural emissions worldwide. Enteric fermentation by ruminant livestock produces 100kg of methane per cow per year! In layman’s terms, it’s a cacophony of cattle crepitation. Where does it go? It goes up – up to the Sun.

The impact on our planet is evidenced by the extreme southern extension of what scientists are calling Aurora Bovinalis.

 

bovinitis

 

Methane: the Silent Killer

Methane

Methane, conveniently covalently bonded

Methane, or as scientists like to call it, carbon tetrahydride, is a tetrahedral molecule with four equivalent C-H bonds. But that’s just oversimplifying the molecular makeup of this silent but deadly killer. It’s a Group-15 hydride, the simplest alkane. It’s the main constituent of natural gas.

Methane may be called “natural gas,” but how natural is it if it’s destroying the atmosphere of the surface of the Sun? It’s an invisible gas, and it’s colorless. While ‘technically’ odorless, when combined with a feculent… I would not advise standing near the south end of a corn-fed cow.

Methane, at very long distances, absorbs visible light at the red end of the spectrum. This gives Uranus its blue or bluish-green colors as light passes through its atmosphere containing methane and then is scattered back to the Earth. But I don’t need to tell you what else comes from Uranus.

 

Cattle: Meat or Murderers?

Cow

Cow (not his real name)

Methanogenesis is an anaerobic process in which this domesticated four-hooved cowboy vehicle magically converts feed into fermented fumes. The equation for mankind is simple: sirloin or survival, hotdogs or health? Do you want to risk it for brisket?

We have to beef up our concern about these cuddly cattle killers, or we’ll surely steer ourselves to an Artiodactyl Armageddon. Look at that CME pictured at the top – the resemblance to a pillar of fire is unmistakable.

 

What Can Be Done?

After extensive research at Wind Break Laboratories, the latest data dump studied by the renowned scientific community – Fellowship of Astronomical Research Theorists – has determined the best solution to methane multiplication and its concomitant coronal mass ejections. Move as far away from the Sun as possible.

Pluto

Pluto (actual size)

In our Solar System, this would involve relocating to Pluto, that astronomical object named after Mickey Mouse’s dog. Because it was downgraded and is no longer considered a planet, real estate values have plummeted, and you can get a lovely little ranch house for a song.

  • The upside: Earth is only 8.3 light-minutes from the Sun, while light takes 5.5 hours to reach Pluto.
  • The downside: it would take about 15 years to get there with current technology, and there’s no oxygen.

 

The next best solution is to stop feeding cattle methanogenic food. They convert grass to gas. Let’s turn that grass into lawns. Or we could give cattle a surfactant like simethicone, which reduces bloating and gas.

Alternatively, we could feed them Soylent Green, food that is “as good as humanly possible.”

 

 

Bill Petro, your friendly neighborhood historian
billpetro.com

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About billpetro

Bill Petro writes articles on history, technology, pop culture, and travel. He has been a technology sales enablement executive with extensive experience in Cloud Computing, Automation, Data Center, Information Storage, Big Data/Analytics, Mobile, and Social technologies.

1 Comments

  1. William Boardman on May 22, 2024 at 4:41 pm

    Hilarious!

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